based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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