puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
