i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Come share oat with me in your robe
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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