so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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