the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
