just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
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