my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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