Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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