i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
