went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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