Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
