Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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