4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
ya dads aren't the best wingmen
He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Randomize
