You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
