My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize