Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
