Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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