ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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