You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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