now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
