It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
