I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize