when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
