6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
