First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
