My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I could make wine with my vomit
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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