I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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