god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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