ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Randomize
