Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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