i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
