Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
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