It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
