Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I want to make a zoo with you.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Randomize
