I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
