You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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