I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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