she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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