Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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