I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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