Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
