You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
You can't special order awesome
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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