Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
