How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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