Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
