I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
