Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
