What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
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