rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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