My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
