god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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