I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
