Can i not drive my cunt home
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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