i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
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