this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
